Falling in love is pretty much natural and is totally effortless. However, staying in love with the same person for a longer period of time makes it really feel tormented and deserted at times. It now even seems boring & the thought of not being able to turn it around to the way it was in the beginning makes you feel even more worried, depressed & helpless. Earlier, even a usual stroll across the street used to be exciting, interesting and something significant. Now, even dinner at a luxurious restaurant doesn't feels awesome. None of you feels ALIVE as you guys used to, something seems off.
Do you remember, when the relationship had just bloomed, each one of us would make its best to be the best for whom who thinks is the best. You'd do something special every time you'd meet or talk. Be it small, be it grand, something special would always be done by you & without any expectation. You did so because you felt like, and even the thought of making the other one happy made you pretty crazy and stupid things. Wondering how would I know? I've been there, done that too. But now, none of us even tries to be good to one another. We think, we are in a relationship because we love each other then why should I try to make it special, isn't being together just enough? She knows that I love her, then what difference would it make if I'd do something special. Now kissing on an empty street also feels stupid, whereas previously you'd literally control and refrain yourself from kissing the partner every now and then.
Although these hurt, the pain, makes one think of breaking up or getting a divorce, BUT, there's always a BUT, isn't it? Yes, the real problem is You still feel the Love for one another. But, now its like, I don't deserve to be treated like this or something like, I deserve much better and think of breaking up. Many of us, even break up thinking that it would solve the problem, it makes one feel certain and powerful but sooner you end up patching up with her again. And after couple of months, same story starts again. Also, if one of you ends up in a new relationship, it eventually fails too. Wondering why this happens?
There are 6 Human Needs as #1 Life Coach, Anthony Robbins says which drives each and every human on this planet. Everything, even our relationships are mainly dependent on these human needs. How can this help you? Well, the time you fell in love & got together in a relationships was because, both of you filled each other with a few needs which you always wanted out of these 6 Needs, that's the reason you felt more Alive, Connected & Loved. Problems arise when either or both of you stopped meeting each other's needs.
Let me tell you about these 6 Human Needs and explain you, how knowing and applying these can bring a Radical Shift in your Relationship.
The Six Human Needs
1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others
Now, its very simple, ask yourself first that which of these 6 human needs are you top 2 needs & how you meet them? Is that of having certainty, that no matter what my girl would be with me, being so certain. Many blow a cigarette to feel certain about themselves, which is a very dis-empowering way; Variety i.e one who loves surprises and always wants to derive variety; Significance, this is one of the most important needs of all human beings, everyone wants to feel significant, important & needed.
Remember a moment when she told about she having thoughts about breaking up out of nowhere for petty reasons and you never know Why? Significance.
She wasn't feeling needed and important, but when she talked about breaking up, you started giving her all the attention she needed. You have done such things too, just to feel noticed, and needed. Wearing flashy clothes, getting a new hairdo, playing loud music and purposely keeping the window open of your car are examples of significance and the way you meet 'em. Or is it Love, something which none of us could live without other than the 3 basic needs : Food, clothing & shelter. Actually, Love also should be included in that basic needs. Its so vital. Usually, Love & Significance are priorities of most people. Be it love of son-mother, husband-wife, girlfriend-boyfriend. Love is needed. Why do young girls go and hunt a boyfriend ? They don't feel loved by their parents, that's the reason they seek it out, and maybe one of those girls turn pregnant. And we blame, the youth are getting on the wrong track. What we really don't know is that these 6 human needs. If the parents knew what exactly were the needs of their kids and they successfully met 'em, they won't ever do something that would make their parents feel ashamed or guilty about. Trust me!
The last two needs are also known as the Spiritual Needs, the needs for the soul. Growth i.e a need to continuously grow daily in someway or the other. There are people who complete their school, their college and degree and are now like, this is it. I'm never gonna go back to some school or study anything ever again or all i need to do is make money now, marry someone, have children and be at peace. But, we forget that, our car i.e the human body would eventually would run out of fuel and would break down. Growth & Contribution are so very important, its the fuel. What happens if a plant doesn't grow? It dies. Well, the same goes with humans, its just a matter of time. It could be reading an inspirational book, following a hobby, working on bettering your health, or meditating. Contribution as the name suggests, giving back to each & everyone as much as you can. Making money can give you joy, but it vanishes when the money ends. But, contribution gives you ever lasting happiness, even when the money isn't there.
Done writing down 2 most important human needs of yours? Now do the same for your partner. It now gets really easy, after you've been with someone for so long, you'll surely know which are your partner's top 2 needs.
Now, think about it for a moment the time when & how exactly it all started? Think of all those pleasant and crazy moments. How did it really feel, as if it was the way it meant to be. You felt so certain about each other. You gave each other variety too, by showing the love for each other by doing it something different always; a kiss out of nowhere, or all of a sudden getting the favorite dish for the other. You have also made your partner feel significant, by telling your partner about how much you love her, or by treating the other one like a prince or princess. Doing crazy things to make them feel important. At times, it even turning down your friends and family over your partner, it also makes them feel significant. You have showcased your true love too, by maybe making love, saying lovely words or even being there when the other needed you the most. You've done all of these, also met indeed all her needs at some point or the other. That's why you stuck together!
Now, contemplate on the days going now. Did you even meet her top 2 needs? How do you treat her now? Does she feel certain of you guys being together? Does she feels important or needed? Does she feels the love and connection even though you're making out? Does she really gets variety or is it the same thing that keeps repeating?
Noticed, she isn't not the only one responsible for this mess. You're equally responsible for making the relationship go out of hands so much. Better late than never. Now you know what are the top 2 needs of your partner. Go meet 'em in an empowering way. She needs you, so do all it takes if you're willing to make it work. If you think, showing up outside her home suddenly will make her feel uncertain/variety and make her feel significant, do that. Taking her out for dinner, would make it good, do that. Talking to her at late nights like you used to, bring back that spark, do that. Keep doing, and keep meeting her needs at least for 90 days. I call it 90 Days Challenge to turn around your relationship. After doing so, there would be a major difference in relationship. She would automatically start meeting your needs too and things would get back to the way it was before. If she doesn't meets your needs even after 90 days then tell her your top 2 needs and explain this entire thing to her. She surely would do everything she can to make it work. But first, if you're willing to make it work, you need to start.
This also means that, when you take this challenge, even if she keeps on hurting you, you'd be the man and say bring it on, I know you love me and all you're doing this is because you want me to make you feel significant, cared and loved. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here, no matter what you say or what you do because I know that you love me!
Think as if it were the starting of the relationship and not the end and live each day as if it started just recently.The way we perceive things, changes everything.
Also, think when none of you are meeting your needs Now, still stuck together? Its LOVE, the Bond you've developed with one another that doesn't makes one go apart from each other. So get your asses up and make it work ! Lets turn around your relationship.
Have any questions or queries? Leave it as a comment & I'll answer it.
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Rohan Khosla
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